As this year comes to a close i am truly disheartened by the fact that my body is crippling and dying and noone (not me, my parents, the doctors) can change this for me. I have fought my hardest fight for 6 years since my life was taken from me by Gastroparesis, Sepsis, and now Dysautonomia. I have learned more than i could ever possibly imagine.
That being said, I have accepted that my journey is here. I spent this year feeling the emotions of these diseases so I could feel the emotions of everything that surrounded me. I coped by being so hard & emotionless for 5 years because i would have died otherwise.
This year has been a year of unexplainable growth and i am so content in knowing that although things are shutting down, my soul is flourishing and very much alive. Although my body may show chaos, inside it feels peace. I live in an aura of life and death and it has been damn hard to get here... but my life has never been more beautiful. I have never been full of so much love, blessings, acceptance, and nonjudgment.
When i talk about it, it sounds absolutely scary. But i am not scared of anything anymore. I have prioritized what is important in my life and every day, every minute, i am grateful to make a tiny step toward that unconditional love and acceptance- for myself and others. I have no hate in my heart, i am genuinely kind to everyone, and my sprit is something that is out of this world.
As i continue to put one foot in front of the other every minute of every day, i am reminded that i am here for a purpose. I have found love in my soulmate, Eric Scott, and each day i feel like I am the luckiest person in the world. I'm so glad i let my walls down and trusted that things were going to start fitting perfectly beautiful in this life if I just continued to stay on my path. It took days, so many days. My body and mind are beyond tired, but I truly feel like i have finally made it. My soulmates Paris and Brittany have taught me honesty, character, strength, and pride from both me to them and them to me. My brother is a father and as I watch them thru my own lens, i am so happy. The life they have is full of beauty and God am I blessed to be a part of it. My parents have given their all to me in every aspect and I cant help but feel so incredibly loved and supported- something i realize most people dont have.
One day this disease will take me from this physical world, but my determination to live my best, most positive and abundantly grateful life will leave the most beautiful legacy on this world and the people that have crossed my path in the past 6 years, especially in the past 6 months. i chose happiness in a world of overwhelming sadness and i practiced being kind to myself every second of everyday. I chose to take the overwhelming rawness of this disease to put myself in the best spot for my mind, soul and body to continue along this journey until my time comes.
i have loved hard, i have been loved harder and i hope each person that has been a part of my journey feels the gratitude and embrace that I have tried so hard to give. Each day i step outside i see beauty. there is no more pain. i am eternally grateful for every single piece of my life. With the cards I have been dealt, i have played the winning hand. I am not sure what 'enlightenment' is supposed to feel like, but i truly believe that is my calling and i believe that each day, each minute of my life is making this beautiful dream a beautiful reality.❤